Hardened

"There's a crack (or cracks) in everyone....That's how the Light of God gets in"
I read this line tonight from the deliciously interesting book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I sat and read this sentence over and over. By the fourth read, my stomach was in one huge knot. Where is this 'crack' within me? It was then that I realized the outside of my body was thicker then the thickest piece of concrete. Rough, solid, COLD. The happenings of the past week washed over me in an overwhelming manner, followed by memories, guilt, pain, anger, sadness, embarrassment, confusion, etc. from the past few years. I put my forehead to the floor begged for the answer to the all too familiar question, "why ME, God?". I told Him of the exhaustion, I blamed Him for the affects to my body(mentally, emotionally, physically). I asked for Him to tell me why I don't deserve a happy life...for good, positive things to happen on a daily basis. I reminded Him of the years of faithfulness to His will(walking the straight and narrow, resisting any sort of temptation, sharing the Word with others)...as if I deserved a prize for acting the way He asks of us. In the middle of my rantings, the word/letter, "I" began to grossly stick out. So, I began to think back on the number of times I said, "I..I want..I know..I don't..". WOW.
And that was the moment I held my head up (dramatic as it sounds) to our Lord and said "I'm sorry"...I'm sorry for putting so much of "ME" into what I've been doing/thinking/saying day in and day out! But thank YOU for your patience, for once again showing me myself in the mirror, and allowing me to finally understand what I saw...as much as it hurts to see myself that way....thank You!
I got up, dug my Bible out of a bag in the back of the closet, opened it randomly and saw this verse, "My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken-Psalm 62 1-2" (A song from Children's church began to flow through my mind..."Jesus is the rock of my salvation, His banner over me is love") Seeing this scripture was a totally awesome God Thing. Wow, Lord...I hear You, I understand, I am open to You.
Of course my concrete shell didn't immediately break apart, but His Light was beginning to shine from the inside out, which with time will bring me to where I need to be. I have to change ME without focusing on ME, which I can do through TRUSTING in His Might and Will. His Banner Over Me Is Love....